Brad:

I have been a fan of yours for the last ten years, ever since I laid eyes on you on Interview with the Vampire. Two months later I went to see Legends of the Fall three times, something I have never ever done for any other actor. I felt totally in sync with Isabelle 2, the character who vowed to be your wife and waited patiently for you approximately fifteen years. I waded through such godawful things ever to grace celluloid like: Cutting Class, Johnny Suede, The Mexican and Seven Years in the Theater, sorry, in Tibet.

I waited patiently for you to get over Juliette Lewis, Jitka Pohl-how-the-fuck-you-spell-it, Gwyneth Paltrow (oh, Gods, witness thee how much this one hurt, blond, skinny, plain Gwyneth, with the perpetual killmenow look on Pitt's arm). When you finally settled for Jennifer Aniston, I gave you my blessing because anything was better than GP.

I want to remind you that I was single and available all this time. But now my time for retribution has come. You will find yourself all alone this time. You left Jen and I am already taken. Nyahahaha.