Silence hurts. Even though the "practical no nonsense" you knows he is very busy, you are not that important to him, there is a million pound shitload going on that you don't know about, because even if you have revealed your darkest secrets to him, you really know shit about him. You also know in the deep recesses of your fevered brain that the guilt and complications are so huge and looming, he won't fuck up his life for you because you are not worth it. Silence hurts, still. Especially when, every single day for the past two weeks, the first thought that comes into consciousness as soon as you wake up is the last time you heard his voice, the moment it said: "Never talk about "always" when referring to me". Fuck everything to hell.

Retail and "service" industries are modern slavery. Sometimes it is too awful to think that people like me will give forty hours per week for 35+ years of their lives to retail, as opposed to jobs that actually make a difference. I have the knowledge to be a teacher of any subject, dabble in computers (I mean, sometimes they give you a hotline number and you are called system administrator), veterinary technician, and many more. I read the job classifieds and all of them are a variation of the same: SALES EXECUTIVE, SALES REPRESENTATIVE, RETAIL MANAGER OR TECHNICIAN/ENGINEER WITH TEN YEARS EXPERIENCE. If you don't believe me, go to monster.com and search for ANY job in Puerto Rico. If you find something different, please tell me.

Again, a month has gone by and I don't update. Too much of the same. Today I had the guts to call in sick without any good reason. I am in reality a picture of relatively good health, I even went to karate class. Need to find some exercises to build up stamina, flexibility and defense. Aggression levels are fine, maybe too much. My sparring partner gets a little nervous sometimes, because she doesn't have good reflexes. That is my best point, I throw a punch and she doesn't notice until she feels the pound on her chest.

Read that gay priests are not going to be admitted to the Catholic Church. It seems the Church has equated gay = pedophile. Maybe it is perfectly OK for girls to be raped by heterosexual pedophile priests. Maybe they don't know that rape has less to do with lust than with power, rage, heplessness and violence. Let them do it, maybe that will make everything come tumbling down at last.

Got myself a DVD, the first gift for it was In the Company of Wolves (thanks L.!)Today and tomorrow I will see Insomnia and In the Bedroom.

Going to try and do something about that fallen angels story I have been toying around in my head for six years. After reading so much good stuff about angels, it is beside the point. The characters are very annoyed though, they want out and they want now. Maybe turn it into a porn story, that is easy for me.

Guess I need to find that "Double Fantasy" album, there is a song I hadn't heard in a long time. As I reached for the laundry detergent at Kmart, the PA started playing "Watching the Wheels". I have loved that song since I was 10. I am gonna hum it now. Bye